Manchester United demand Rui Faria be neutered ahead of Mourinho appointment 

Rui-Faria

Citing the unimaginable dangers he represents if allowed to roam freely without some form of sterilsation, Manchester United today demanded that Rui Faria be neutered ahead of any potential appointment of Jose Mourinho.

Faria, assistant to Mourinho in each of his managerial positions, is expected to follow his compatriot to Old Trafford providing the 53-year-old meets the strict instructions reportedly laid out to him by the club’s hierarchy.

“The club is incredibly fond of Jose and we are aware of his closeness to his assistant. In saying that, we’re also wary of Rui’s past, present and likely future behaviour, so we’ll need some assurances before any deal can go through,” said one club source.

“God knows what the guy has running through his veins but we simply can’t risk a truly wild Rui Faria being granted access to the club.”

At press time the club revealed that they may also demand that Faria be declawed, given his propensity to scratch wildly when irritated.

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