Eamon Dunphy narrows down list of Euro 2016 players he’s going to call frauds

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Happily putting the finishing touches to his final research for the tournament, Eamon Dunphy today reportedly narrowed down the list of Euro 2016 players he’s going to call frauds.

“This is one of the most difficult aspects of my research because, when it comes down to it, a large amount of footballers have clear and distinct bluffer attributes,” said the Irish television pundit, adding that so far today he had already settled on labelling the entire Italy team as a group of fakes, given the weakness of their domestic league.

“Obviously, three quarters of the England squad are already absolute sham artists so there was little work to be done there but when it came to the Spanish national team, a side I have long suspected of skating by on luck, this could be the tournament that they’re found out for what they are.”

Dunphy meanwhile expressed his disappointment that various players had missed out on the tournament through injury and late omissions, admitting that the exclusions had forced him to rewrite his list.

“Seeing [Lassana] Diarra drop out of the French squad was a shame; the guy’s the definition of a charlatan. Likewise Saul [Niguez] for Spain, who showed in the Champions League final that he’s not fit to tie the laces of the top players. It’s forced me to get back to the drawing board but that’s why I’m paid the big bucks.”

At press time, Dunphy was deliberating over whether or not to demote Cristiano Ronaldo back to “cod” status, given his disappointing display in Milan.

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