Staring forlornly at a photograph of his competitor for the number one spot, sources close to Simon Mignolet today revealed that he spent a large portion of the day desperately searching for something he was better than Loris Karius at.
Pouring over page after page of statistical comparisons of the two, the insecure Belgian reportedly looked for anything at which he could consider himself to be superior to his teammate.
“Jesus, look at the guy, he’s about ten times better looking than me so that’s a goner,” said the former Sunderland number one, adding that his own hair could hardly even be defined as hair when compared to the German’s. “He’s… beautiful.”
“He dives in a more athletic fashion than me, he kicks better, catches the ball better and he seems capable of not allowing harmless balls to slip underneath him without reason. I’m screwed.”
At press, the increasingly desperate 28-year-old was reportedly met with awkward shrugs of the shoulder after pushing teammates to come up with one aspect of football at which he excels.