Shuffling nervously in his seat while wiping floods of sweat from his furrowed brow, Ed Woodward reportedly struggled on Tuesday to contain his excitement at the sheer commercial magnetism of Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
Watching the Swedish international during the launch of his new clothing brand, the Manchester United executive vice chairman allegedly fought in vain to hide his rising heartbeat and blushing face.
“God, just look at the him. He’s got them in the palm of his hand,” the 43-year-old reportedly thought to himself, noting the former Paris Saint-Germain striker’s raw animal ability to control the crowd with his every move. “And mere days before an international tournament, he just doesn’t care.”
“The walk, the smug grin, the unashamed braggadocio. The man’s a behemoth. Magnificent. I must have him.”
At press time, a flustered and satisfied Woodward was reportedly enjoying a cigarette outside of his office while loosening his tie.