“Roy Keane somehow scarier when happy,” admit Ireland squad


Saying that the look of intense, unbridled joy in his face made them yearn to be scolded by their assistant manager, members of Ireland’s national team today admitted that Roy Keane is somehow scarier when he’s happy.

Having watched the former Manchester United captain speak effusively about the quality of both the country’s facilities and preparation for their upcoming game, as well as his contentment in his current position, a host of players revealed that, despite conventional wisdom, Keane strikes even more terror into them when he’s in a good mood.

“At least when Roy’s angry, you know he is. You see it building and, although it’s awful, it’s not really a surprise. But when he’s happy and beaming it’s just unsettling, you don’t know what to expect,” said striker Shane Long, adding that Keane had terrified teammate Seamus Coleman earlier in the day after raising his hand for a high five. “Seamie was sure Roy was going for him but he was just being nice, which made it all the more creepy.”

“There’s just something very unwholesome about his smile. His eyes sorta look dead and part of you thinks he’s taking the piss. The whole squad’s very uneasy about it.”

At press time, the Ireland squad were reportedly slacking off in training in a bid to draw the ire of Keane.