Joachim Loew excited to unveil next act of grotesque public behaviour

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Describing the last few days as an invaluable opportunity to expand his repertoire, Joachim Loew has expressed his excitement at unveiling his next act of odd public behaviour at Euro 2016.

Speaking ahead of his side’s quarter-final against Italy, the Germany manager admitted that he had finally narrowed down a choice of roughly ten truly grotesque public acts.

“When you get to this stage of a tournament you want to be performing to your highest capabilities. That means innovation and always striving to improve,” said Loew, adding that he felt that picking his nose or anus simply wouldn’t be enough for such a high stakes encounter.

“While it would be unwise to give away too much, I can say that it will likely involve my balls and perhaps a bit of my penis. For the rest, I’m afraid, you’ll have to just wait and see.”

At press time, excited journalists spotted Loew licking the tip of his finger after removing it from his ear.