Daily Mail publishes Martin Samuel’s latest thinly-veiled plea for help


In a decision described as irresponsible by many on Fleet Street, the Daily Mail has today published Martin Samuel’s latest thinly-veiled cry for help.

According to sources at the newspaper, editorial staff permitted the article’s publication despite obvious signs that it was merely another last-ditch plea from its chief sports writer.

“I just don’t know how this made it through. Everything about, from the meaningless nature of the subject matter to a total lack of any tangible argument, screams ‘help me’,” said one unnamed source about the piece, in which Samuel posits that it is Steve Bruce’s English heritage, and not his limited managerial nous, that will prevent him from getting the England job.

“As we speak, Martin is in his office furiously typing his next column about how, when it comes down to it, Tim Sherwood’s failure to secure Premier League work is illustrative of the struggles faced by white men today.”

At press time, Daily Mail editors were considering scrapping the piece after finding the sentence “Please help me, I just want to get out of this place” cryptically written beneath an image.