Jose Mourinho finalises plan to ruin Juan Mata’s life

jose mourinho

Excitedly running his eye over what he described as months of prep work, Jose Mourinho today finalised his plan to ruin Juan Mata’s life at Manchester United.

Speaking to the club’s in-house media team today, the Portuguese manager revealed that he had settled on a list of approximately nine measures, which will be used to torment the Spaniard.

“We’ve got a big season ahead of us here. I’ve had all summer to prepare for this, so hopefully my strategy works on him,” said the former Chelsea coach, adding that he will begin by forcing the 28-year old to write “I must track back” 10,000 times during every morning of pre-season training.

“After that, I’ll constantly make him do laps of the training field, isolate him from the rest of the group and generally be quite snide to him. This will all be dotted with insults in front of the rest of the squad and the occasional prank.”

At press time, Mourinho insisted that he would not welcome offers for Mata, preferring instead to use him as his own personal stress ball at Old Trafford.