In a controversial interview that is expected to cause friction throughout the English footballing landscape, Sam Allardyce today insisted that his possession of a knife collection makes him the best candidate for the England job.
Speaking to journalists on Friday, the Sunderland manager stated that while he has nothing against people who don’t own hundreds of specialist knives, he feels only a knife owner could truly understand and handle the responsibility of the national team.
“I’m sure the other candidates are sad that they don’t have knife collections, so I don’t want to sit here and say ‘Sam has a knife collection and they don’t’ because that would be horrible. But as a knife owner, I possess both the experience and levelheadedness required,” admitted Allardyce, adding that while he’s sure his rivals own some small knives, and perhaps even one big one, it’s simply not the same as dealing with and curating a large stockpile of sharp, metallic objects.
Allardyce stated that while he has nothing against non-knife owners, the FA would be remiss to trust someone without day-to-day knowledge of handle changing and blade polishing.
“This country has tough times ahead and much like handling a knife, that job requires mental calmness and certainty, and I’m the man to do it.”