Arsene Wenger admits even he doesn’t believe excuses he’s laid out for new season


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Saying that he may well have to rewrite his entire collection before next month, Arsene Wenger today admitted that even he doesn’t believe the list of excuses he’s laid out for the season ahead.

Speaking from his office at Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium, the French manager revealed that while he had made solid progress in the early summer months, recent events had made his excuses almost universally unusable.

“I had it all laid out, of course. I was going to say that there was no cheap, young strikers out there. Then Spurs fucked me a little bit with Janssen. Then I decided to use my alternative that there were no high scoring forwards, but Juventus bought Higuain,” said the Frenchman, adding that Manchester United’s signing of Zlatan Ibrahimovic had made his complaint about no experience in the market utterly redundant.

“I’m left with blaming the Brexit or our lack of finances and frankly, that sounds ridiculous.”

Pursing his lips and angrily shaking his head, the Premier League-winning coach bemoaned the overuse and lack of imagination when it came to the excuses of other coaches in modern football.

“Back when I came to England, we worked hard to have our excuses prepared when necessary. Now, if you have a big budget and a large team around you, anyone can make up brilliant excuses.”

At press time, Wenger stated that in the event that he fails to think of new excuses, he’ll either blame injuries or admit that Olivier Giroud is an average player.