Pep Guardiola bans Man City squad from ingesting cyanide


New Manchester City boss Pep Guardiola has stamped his authority at the club after banning all squad members from ingesting cyanide.

The daring approach from the innovative manager, known throughout his career for his forward thinking and nous, reportedly came as a shock to a squad who had become comfortable and settled in their ways under Manuel Pellegrini.

After initially greeting the news as some kind of joke, the majority of squad members are said to now welcome the move.

“We never really saw the harm in a little bit of cyanide from time to time and in fact, some of our past managers encouraged it. But in truth, we’ve all felt a lot better since he brought the rule in,” said striker Sergio Aguero, adding that instances of daily violent vomiting among squad members are down 100 percent since the rule change.

“We’re not weak or pale anymore and we don’t faint every twenty minutes. We really feel like this could make an enormous difference to our season.”

At press time, Guardiola had been widely labeled a genius by supporters and journalists alike for noticing the dangers of the substance, which had previously been deemed safe by mankind.