Three-eyed, extremity-laden fish plays down Rio 2016 pollution fears

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Uttering each mumbled syllable in a slower and more pained manner than the last, a three-eyed, human extremity-laden fish today played down fears that the upcoming 2016 Olympics will be unduly effected by pollution in Rio de Janeiro.

The 31st Games, which kick off in the Brazilian city on August 6, has been plagued with complaints over a variety of issues ranging from corruption, infrastructure and most notably the apparent contamination of Rio’s waters.

Speaking today however, Gilly, the three-eyed, extremity laden, sharp-toothed trout which washed ashore the Rodrigo de Freitas lagoon last week, sought to reassure fans and athletes alike that they had nothing to worry about with regards to their health and wellbeing.

“A lot has been said about the safety of this tournament, and the water in Rio in particular. But I assure you, it is perfectly safe. If it wasn’t, how would I still be in such perfect natural shape?” posited the self-styled mascot of the competition, before briefly excusing himself to vomit what was reported to resemble a mixture of medical waste, bottle tops, plastic bags and human excrement out of his frothing mouth while involuntarily flailing the pair of woman’s legs which protrude from below his jaw.

“You’ll hear much propaganda about health, but this is the Olympics and all of us here in Brazil are committed to making this the cleanest and most enjoyable competition in decades.”

Such is his confidence on the matter, Gilly revealed that he had received personal assurances from the many bacterial strains which had attained sentience while developing beneath the scum-topped waters of Copacabana.

“They mean no harm, and will do no harm. All they want to do is have a long and peaceful life with their millions of children. You have my word.”

At press time, the ungodly creature that should never have been attempted to alleviate worries over the safety of food in the country by eating more than half of his own face.