A football fan from north London has reportedly been rushed to hospital after reading past the first sentence of an article.
According to witnesses at the scene, streams of blood poured from the nose of Arsenal fan David Bach after he recklessly scrolled beneath the first 20 words of a piece discussing Theo Walcott’s unsuitability as a striker while walking to meet friends at a nearby bar.
Discovered lying on the ground convulsing by a passerby, Bach was rushed to hospital in a catatonic state aside from occasional mutterings of the words “context”, “rationale” and “no”.
“David is a very lucky man. Had he not been brought in when he was, he may very well have seen his concrete repertoire of opinions challenged beyond repair,” Dr. Allison Rowe told media today, adding that Bach had been placed inside of an echo chamber, inside of which he would hear identical views to his own whispered to him in cooling tones.
Friends of Bach have expressed concern for the 28-year-old, insisting that such behaviour is out of character.
“As long as I’ve known him, David has never ever read below the first line of an article,” said Jim Bishop, adding that it takes a lot for Bach to even scroll beneath the title. “His thumb must have slipped, that’s all I can imagine.”
“Some sick bastard did this to him – I know it. Paul would never hurt himself like this,” added Bach’s roommate Paul Rooney.
At press time, Bach was said to be in a stable condition after being told by doctors that the article was “bullshit” and the journalist responsible for it “knew nothing”.