Confusion among pundits as black player neither a “beast” nor “tank”


Pundits have been at a loss to describe Iheanacho.

Football pundits have reportedly been left deeply confused over the case of Manchester City footballer Kelechi Iheanacho, with widespread recognition that the 19-year-old is, inexplicably, neither a “beast” nor a “tank”.

Rumours regarding the Nigerian forward began circulating last season, after a series of stunning technical performances left journalists and television pundits at a loss to describe him adequately.

This problem has reportedly been exacerbated by further encouraging displays, leading to an emergency meeting being called yesterday due to the level of disorder among pundits.

“I just don’t get it. What’s going on?” sources quoted former Liverpool star and current Sky Sports pundit Graeme Souness as saying. “I’m not sure what the lad is but he’s not a beast, I can tell you that.”

These sentiments were echoed by BT Sport’s Robbie Savage, who stressed that while the forward reminds him of Didier Drogba and other “strong” players, he remains at a loss to properly describe him.

“Honest to God, he’s got the technique and flair of a light-skinned player – the awareness, the touch, he’s certainly not that strong – but perhaps he’s a skillful tank?” he posited, before being vociferously beaten down by his colleagues.

Alan Brazil, according to those in attendance, insisted he’d rather die than call him anything other than a “tank”.

At press time, a number of journalists tentatively settled on making up a new adjective for Iheanacho after vehemently opposing a motion from Jamie Carragher that they simply call him any one of “talented”, “intelligent” or “adroit”.