Jose Mourinho celebrates personal victory after lacing Pep Guardiola’s hand with poison

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“He thinks he’s so clever, yet he shook my hand without gloves on – how odd?!” said Mourinho after rubbing poison on Pep Guardiola.

Reclining in his office chair and allowing himself a wry smile, Jose Mourinho reportedly congratulated himself on a personal victory on Saturday after lacing Pep Guardiola’s hand with poison.

Speaking after his club’s 2-1 Manchester derby defeat to Guardiola’s side, Mourinho admitted that while he would prefer to have won the game, he’s confident that he will win out in the long term.

“It was a disappointing match, but I believe that we will have the last laugh,” said a jovial Mourinho, adding that the thallium with which he poisoned Guardiola should already be working its way through his bloodstream and beginning to make him feel ill. “Perhaps he didn’t prepare as well as he thought.”

“Oh yes. He thinks he’s so clever with his inverted full-backs and his ability to open up the channels by stretching my defence, yet he shook my hand without gloves on – how odd?!”

At press time, Mourinho was attempting to act coy after being informed that Guardiola had collapsed at Manchester City training.