Smiling contently while ignoring a barrage of calls on his phone, Sam Allardyce reportedly laughed to himself tonight about all the unimaginably abhorrent shit the media has no clue he’s done.
Allardyce found himself at the centre of a major newspaper scandal this week following footage obtained by the Telegraph showing him accepting payments and advising undercover reporters on how to navigate FA transfer rules.
Sitting in his home after the news broke, sources say Allardyce was more amused about all the horrific stuff no one has a clue about yet.
“Haha, this is nothing. They think a bit of transfer regulation cheating is bad, wait until they find out about the Guatemalan family, the FBI agent, the Vaseline and the goat,” said the former Sunderland coach, adding that even that compared favourably to the disturbing details of his six-night adventure in Bratislava which reportedly ended with him working as a cocktail waitress for a week in order to save up enough money to fly home.
“Honestly, this is like littering on the street. In the last year alone I’ve had fourteen different types of herpes and no one was any the wiser. This is child’s play.”
At press time, Allardyce had allegedly begun to panic after hearing reports that someone had leaked information about his polygamous marriage to racist amputee porn stars to the media.