England manager Sam Allardyce is on the verge of losing his job after a failed and desperate final attempt to salvage his reputation failed spectacularly in the form of an impromptu penis helicopter.
A nervous Allardyce had been called to the Football Association’s London offices earlier in the day to defend himself against allegations of impropriety published in the Telegraph.
However, according to witnesses at the FA, Allardyce had been in the building little more than five minutes before he unzipped his suit trousers and began swinging his flaccid member in a 360-degree motion, allegedly hoping to impress his employers with his control and hip movement.
“It was crude and ill-judged,” said FA chief executive Martin Glenn of the four-minute show. “I’m not entirely sure what he thought he could achieve with it but it failed.”
At press time, Glenn also revealed that the board had rejected Allardyce’s plea to show them what he called “the Bangkok trick”.