In a scene described by journalists in attendance as “heartfelt”, Arsene Wenger reportedly absconded English football and the country in general today, using his 20th anniversary press conference to remind the country that without him their football would still be in the dark ages.
Lambasting what he described as a reactionary footballing society, Wenger admitted that he was baffled at the temerity of what he called an “ungrateful oafish nation”.
“When I got here the players looked like middle-aged men and drank almost every night. They were slobs eating crap and providing very little by way of skill. I brought in science and nutrition. I gave you more than you’ll ever know. I laid the foundations for all of this,” said the Frenchman, adding that if it wasn’t for him people would now be watching 22 obese men barge into and vomit over each other for 90 minutes.
“These people didn’t even know what pasta was back then. Can you imagine how bad it would have become? Yet you forget and you throw your insults. You have no idea how close you came to an infinity of Mickey Walshes ambling around trying to chase long balls.”
At press time, Wenger reportedly handed back a bottle of win given to him by journalists, admitting that he wouldn’t drink the “cheap piss” if he was on a desert island.