Wayne Rooney to forego first touch entirely after heeding manager’s advice

Citing his inability to control a football with any less than three touches, Wayne Rooney has heeded calls from his manager and decided to go straight for a second touch, in the hope of getting some semblance of control in his game.

“If we can avoid Wayne touching the ball at all other than when he’s shooting, we’ll be on to something,” said Jose Mourinho at a press conference today.

The United captain, who has been at the club since 2004, has been widely castigated by fans for his lack of a first touch and many at the club hope the measure will ensure a more fluid style to his game. “We’ve calculated it and if we can get Wayne onto a second touch immediately, we save about two and a half minutes of fumbling per game. That’s the sort of time that could be used to score goals.”

Rooney, whose training video centred entirely around the concept of control is available to purchase online, has welcomed the words of wisdom from his manager.

“The boss knows what he’s talking about. Part of me always had a feeling that it shouldn’t take me twenty seconds to control the ball. I just wish I’d thought of it sooner.”