Rooney to be rotated in line with Neptune’s rotation of Sun, Mourinho tells delighted, oblivious captain


Rooney was reportedly delighted with the news, seemingly unaware of long it takes Neptune to orbit the Sun.

In a move believed to have been carried out to give him time to focus on more important first team issues, Jose Mourinho has reportedly attempted to appease Wayne Rooney by informing him that he will be rotated into the Manchester United starting eleven in line with Neptune’s rotation of the Sun.

The Portuguese manager is believed to have grown weary of his captain’s constant questions regarding his being dropped from the team, and near-hourly inquiries over when he’d be returned to the side.

With Mourinho desperate to gain some breathing space, sources claim he informed Rooney that he would be rotated back into the team every time Neptune orbits the Sun.

The revelation is believed to have left the 31-year-old delighted, with staff admitting that he appears seemingly unaware of the fact that Neptune only goes around the Sun once every 165 years.

“Jose thought he might get a day’s respite after he told Wayne that. He assumed that he’d eventually figure out how long that actually takes, but Wayne’s been in a great mood since,” said assistant manager Rui Faria, adding that other squad members had been banned from telling Rooney the truth, under threat of being fined. “I mean, the next one’s in the year 2176. We don’t have the heart to tell him, and the silence is really freeing up our time.”

At press time, staff reported seeing an excited Rooney staring at the sky while intermittently looking at his watch in a scene laughing eyewitnesses described as “almost sad”.