Angry and confused racist takes solace from fact all Lineker’s England goals were scored against foreigners

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“Despite being a liberal elite leftie, he has made a lot of foreigners sad.”

Saying it was some consolation during a time of anguish, an angry and confused racist today took solace from the fact that all of Gary Lineker’s England goals were scored against foreigners.

Speaking after the former England striker – and third all-time top scorer – spoke out against the growing xenophobia and racism in the country, ardent national team fan and committed bigot Ched Crumpings stated that while he remains dismayed at the ex-Leicester City man’s comments, it warms his heart to remember that each and every one of the goals he scored during his England career were against “bloody foreigners”.

“Am I annoyed with his comments and his lack of patriotism? Of course. Has my opinion of him gone down since he criticised us just for saying it like it is? Definitely. But it’s worth remembering that he only scored against them from overseas, so he can’t be that bad,” said the 41-year-old pub landlord, adding that Lineker must not like foreigners as much as he says if he enjoyed scoring against them so much.

“Despite being a liberal elite leftie he has made a lot of foreigners sad, and that makes me feel a little better.”

At press time, Crumpings had reportedly wound himself up again after realising that Queen Elizabeth II had yet to speak out against the acceptance of children from war-torn countries.