“Pep should take control of my pitiful life and try to make a success of it to show he’s not a fraud,” says massive loser

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“Pep has done a lot, but can he reverse the fortunes of four decades of bad decisions?”

Saying that the Manchester City manager has a lot to prove still, a massive loser today insisted that Pep Guardiola should take control of his pitiful life and make a success of it if he wants to show he’s not a fraud.

Speaking this afternoon, unemployed divorcee Shelton Dempsey expressed mild admiration for Guardiola’s achievements thus far, but revealed that no one could truly be sure of his ability until he shows he’s capable of turning around a life renowned for its mediocrity.

“Yeah, he’s won lots of things in football but can he do it with my truly woeful life?” posited Dempsey, adding that only after Guardiola has reversed the fortunes of a life brought on by years of bad decisions, laziness, misogyny, racism and bitterness can he truly be considered a great of management.

“Barcelona and Bayern Munich were already great teams, while Manchester City were ready-made for success with all that investment. I, on the other hand, am a worthless slob utterly incapable of making a good decision and my life a shambles despite more than four decades on this earth. In my book he still has a lot to prove.”

Despite his scepticism towards Guardiola, Dempsey added that he’d be open to changing his mind if the Spaniard was capable of finding him employment, increasing his motivation, lowering his waistline and reconciling him with his estranged wife and kids.