In a shocking incident described as “bizarre” and “unprecedented”, Jose Mourinho momentarily accepted blame for Manchester United’s current troubles while experiencing a brief and sudden moment of self-awareness.
“Maybe it’s my fault,” the Portuguese coach reportedly thought to himself after yet another disappointing home display left his side’s chances of reaching the top four of the Premier League in question.
“Perhaps I am to blame. Maybe I should have had a clear plan and formation in mind before I signed all of these players, which may have resulted in a more fluid and settled style of play during the season to date. Maybe it’s not the opposition, or the referees, but me,” he continued to think while he wandered aimlessly whispering the word “sorry” to no one in particular and, later, vomiting violently.
“Has this all been because of me? My toxic tenure at Madrid? The bitter disputes with everyone at Barcelona and at the Bernabeu? The downfall at Chelsea? Of course, I’m the common denominator. Oh God.”
At press time, Mourinho was said to have extinguished the dying embers of clarity as he began to formulate an in-depth and detailed excuse to deploy throughout the remainder of the season.