Man who worships young, well-groomed and muscular Adonises can’t bear thought of one of them being gay

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“Gay players aren’t natural,” said the man who pays thousands to view toned young men run around for 90 minutes every week.

Saying that it makes him sick to his stomach at the mere thought of it, a grown man who idolises more than 20 well-groomed, muscular Adonises on a weekly basis has revealed that he can’t bear the thought of one of them being gay.

Speaking just hours after a survey found that eight percent of football fans would stop watching their team if one its players came out as gay, Pete Mayfair echoed the sentiments of the minority, insisting that he too would boycott the sport if any of the sculpted , peach-bottomed participants of his favourite sport ever revealed their true sexuality.

“It’s just not natural, you know?” said the 45-year-old cab driver, who pays thousands of pounds annually to view toned young men run around for 90 minutes per week, and regularly celebrates goals and wins by kissing males next to him and shouting “I love you”. “How can they feel that way about another man?”

As well as being disturbed by the thought of a player he supports being gay, Mayfair, who regularly drifts out of conversations with his wife of 20 years in favour of imagining the lithe, sweating athletes joyfully hugging, admitted that he can’t come to terms with any of his heroes acting in such a fashion.

“Honestly, the thought of seeing these bronzed men touching each other passionately and slapping each other on the bum, unless it explicitly takes place on a pitch while I’m watching and cheering, is hard to take.”