West Ham launch “Sitting Room Straighteners” service for fans unable to afford match tickets


The club has created “Sitting Room Straighteners” to bring the match day experience to fans at home.

In a move the club hope will bridge the gap between match-going fans and those watching at home, West Ham United have launched a new “Sitting Room Straighteners” service for fans unable to afford match tickets.

Responding to outrage at the high price of tickets for home matches at the London Stadium, the scheme, which was launched today by club chief executive Karren Brady will look to “bring the London Stadium to fans”.

“We are aware that some fans cannot afford to come to matches due to ticket prices, so we figured that if fans can’t come to the stadium, we’ll bring the stadium to fans,” said Brady, adding that a season ticket for “Sitting Room Straighteners” costs just 75 percent of the price of a season ticket for actual matches.

“No longer will fans at home have to imagine that uncomfortable feeling of having people close to your seat knocking the shite out of each other and screaming while you try to watch the game. With ‘Sitting Room Straighteners’ you can feel that genuine match day atmosphere from the discomfort of your own couch.”

Additionally, Brady said, the service includes personalised homophobic chanting which will target all inhabitants of a living room at any given time.

At press time, Brady revealed that while the basic package will involve three morons being transported to a supporter’s home, for a mere £500 extra the club will fill your entire house with violent drunks.