David Moyes locks himself in dark room out of habit after Bournemouth win


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“Hello darkness. Your cold embrace is almost comforting,” thought the Scot as he entered the darkened room.

Shoulders slumped as he slowly walked into his said goodnight to his family and closed the door behind him, David Moyes reportedly locked himself in a dark room out of habit on Saturday night after Sunderland’s win over Bournemouth.

Ignoring his wife’s repeated reminders that his team had actually won a game for the first time this season, the former Manchester United coach reportedly picked up a bottle of whiskey from his office upon his return home before whiling away to the family’s spare room.

“Hello darkness. Your cold embrace is almost comforting. Yes, you are truly the only one I can trust anymore,” thought the Scot before realising that something was askew. “Wait a minute. Where’s the familiar self-loathing, the uncontrollable crying and pinching myself? Why am I smiling?”

A joyously weeping Moyes is said to have quickly emerged from the pitch black room, stopping only briefly after temporarily blinded by the unfamiliar sight of a light bulb.