Laughing to himself as he scrolled through hundreds of Twitter feeds simultaneously with his all-seeing eye, God revealed today that he has decided to toy with Arsenal fans for one more day before snapping Alexis Sanchez’ hamstring entirely.
Speaking after the Chilean returned to training with the North London side, Our Lord – who revealed that few things give him more joy than messing with the notoriously emotional group of supporters – admitted that while he actually had nothing to do with the original injury, he simply couldn’t resist getting involved.
“To be honest I wasn’t even paying attention to Alexis at all, I have bigger fish to fry what with the entire world that I built collapsing in on itself. But all of a sudden there was a higher than usual influx of prayers from Arsenal supporters begging me to heal his hamstring in time,” said the Divine One, admitting that while he was originally going to just speed up the forward’s recovery, the desperation of the prayers left him with little choice but to intervene hilariously.
“The whole returning-to-training thing was really a last-minute thing but I’m so glad I thought of it. It’s gonna wind them up so fucking much when I snap it. Already I can see them on Twitter quoting pictures of him with happy emojis. Haha, puny mortals.”
Though he is fully committed to completing his cunning roux, the Creator of Worlds admitted that he hasn’t yet decided exactly how he’ll do so aside from the fact that it will be done in the cruelest conceivable way.
“Nothing – other than the fact that he will suffer a horrible hamstring injury – is confirmed yet. I might have him injure himself while driving his car, I might even snap it myself while he sleeps, but honestly, part of me thinks it’ll be funnier if I leave it until right before the United game. I can already see them moaning about it on Arsenal Fan TV. It’ll be sweet.”
At press time, the Heavenly Father was laughing like a schoolgirl to himself as he read hopeful blog posts from a host of Arsenal fan websites.