Zorya Luhansk match to go ahead despite Mourinho plea to bring end to “meaningless charade”

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Man Utd’s match with Zorya Luhansk will go ahead despite a frozen pitch and Mourinho’s plea to end his interminable decline.

Saying that they had heard little in the Portuguese pained cries to convince them that the game could not be played, UEFA officials today confirmed that Manchester United’s match away to Zorya Luhansk will go ahead despite manager Jose Mourinho’s plea to bring an end to what he called “this meaningless charade”.

The match, the Premier League side’s final in the group stage of this season’s Europa League, had been in doubt due to sub-zero conditions and impassioned appeals from Mourinho for UEFA to give him a brief reprieve from his living hell.

“After conducting what we considered a thorough check during the morning, we found that there was little grounds to postpone the game, even in the face of Mr. Mourinho’s sorrow over his interminable decline,” said UEFA spokesman Zlatko Mhrinovic.

“While we accept that the pitch is not ideal, and harbour sympathy for the apparent deterioration of Mourinho’s abilities, we do not feel either is reason enough to call off such an important fixture.”

At press time, Mourinho was reportedly deciding exactly how he’d get himself sent off from the touchline in a bid to avoid having to watch another 90 minutes of football.