David Moyes looking to revitalise Sunderland squad by running away, faking his own death


David Moyes will look to revitalise his squad by faking his death and never returning.

Saying that the upcoming two-week break offered him the best chance to put his plan into action, David Moyes today revealed that he will look to revitalise his ailing Sunderland squad by running away and faking his own death.

Speaking after a weekend of Premier League football which left his side still firmly rooted to the foot of the table, the Scottish coach admitted that he has had to think outside the box when looking for ways to improve his side’s fortunes, with an elaborate plan involving both a fake disappearance and demise set to take place in the near future.

“We’ve really been struggling lately and it’s showing in our form and our play. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to motivate players but at the moment things are extremely flat. We’re getting to the business end of the season and as such, need to make a big statement. I’m hoping my running away and faking my death will do the job,” said the former Everton manager, revealing that he’s confident the measures will work as a catalyst for future success.

“Sometimes teams need a little injection of impetus to get things going. Making everyone think I’m gone, never ever returning and living the rest of my life under an assumed alias is exactly what this group needs right now and I believe it will have the desired effect. I simply cannot think of anything that would motivate them more than believing I no longer exist.”

Moyes later added that for the plan to work best and to truly get the most out of the players’ response, he would be better served moving to a place where no one is aware of him or his last three jobs in football.