Clenching his fist and seething with an anger that made the walls crack, a white-eyed Arsene Wenger told Arsenal fans in a terrifying speech today that he is an invincible, unstoppable God who will not be usurped by any “man or movement”.
Speaking from behind a podium to an auditorium full of loyal underlings, the Frenchman laughed off suggestions that his “reign of terror” at the club could be brought to an end by “mere mortals”.
“The week and foolish vessels of this world – with their perishable bodies of flesh – believe themselves capable of forcing me from this throne. Their fragility as humans belies their robust rhetoric and they will bow to me or see themselves vanquished in a moment,” said Wenger, before stretching his arms out and slowly levitating above the stage.
“Challenge me at your own risk. The seas will boil before I relinquish power. I know all and see all. I am both death and life incarnate. I have defeated all-comers both high and low and will continue to do so. I am time itself.”
At press time, the 67-year-old invited selected members of Arsenal Fan TV onto the stage, before incinerating them with a touch of his finger and vanishing into the ether.