Cristiano Ronaldo statue heard moaning, begging for death


The new Cristiano Ronaldo statue at Madeira Airport, seen grimacing and weeping blood.

Emitting a sound which bystanders described as “ungodly” and “not of this Earth”, the Cristiano Ronaldo statue at Madeira Airport was today heard moaning and begging for death.

The bronze bust, unveiled yesterday at a ceremony to honour the Madeira native, is believed to have begun audibly groaning shortly after the end of proceedings, before eventually asking passersby to end his short life.

“Oh sweet Jesus. Help. What is this? Who am I? You sir, please end me. I am an abomination” the bronzed head and neck of the Real Madrid striker was heard murmuring at a man walking by, just seconds after looking down and realising he had no torso, arms or lower body.

“Oh God, help me. I should not be, I should not be! Please, just kill me. End this hellscape.”

At press time, the bust had reportedly begun to weep tears and was attempting to rock back and forth in a bid to smash itself against the floor.