In a discovery the programmer says took them slightly by surprise, BT Sport have today revealed that pundit and commentator Owen Hargreaves has been in coma for 18 months without anyone noticing.
Sources revealed that the former Manchester United midfielder has been – unbeknownst to colleagues, family members and friends – in a deeply comatose state for the past year and a half of his life.
According to medical staff called to the studio of the sports station this afternoon, a possible reason that the England international’s condition has gone unnoticed may have been his body’s involuntary emission of bland adjectives every three minutes or so.
“This is unusual, but by no means unheard of. Coma patients often twitch, so there’s no reason why they can’t occasionally say meaningless crap that adds nothing,” said Dr. Ralf Crawford, who attended the scene earlier today, adding that the wide and seemingly alert state of Hargreaves’ eyes may also have deceived those around him.
“I don’t blame people around him for not noticing. By most measures he seemed alert and conscious. However, if they had listened closely to the constant stream of bland platitudes coming from his drooling mouth they would have quickly realised there was no brain activity there.”
Despite the diagnosis, Dr. Crawford revealed that there is no reason Hargreaves should be taken off punditry duty at BT Sport, for the time being at least.
He added: “Look, is it ideal? Absolutely not. Does he make any sense? No, but he’s still miles better than Robbie Savage.”