Slowly but surely restricting his ability to pump blood consistently through his body, sources say your father’s arteries were already beginning to clog today at the mere thought of Paul Pogba dabbing alongside potential Manchester United signing Romelu Lukaku.
Sitting at home watching television as news of the proposed deal was announced on Sky Sports News, witnesses reported noticing an evident reddening of your father’s face as he imagined the “urban antics” the two footballers would get up to if they were on the same team.
“Oh, here we go. This is it. The end of bloody football, coming soon. I can just about cope with Pogba dabbing, but having two of them?” said the sweating and trembling patriarch of your family, as death inched ever closer. “Dancing and rapping every match? They’re killing the game!”
Your father, hurriedly clutching at a cigarette to calm his nerves and further increase his blood pressure, said that while he has nothing against the two personally, he hates their culture and everything they stand for.
“Football used to be a game for blokes. Good, honest blokes. Now? It’s just dancing pansies and thugs who have no respect,” he continued, sweating profusely from every pore.
At press time, your father was in the middle of a point about the negative influence of players like Pogba and Lukaku on the youth of today, before clutching his chest and collapsing on the floor.