Man Utd to allow Rooney to go for free providing Everton clean out all the wrappers and fag butts from his locker

Saying that it was a non-negotiable aspect of any potential deal, Manchester United today confirmed that they will allow Wayne Rooney to leave the club on a free transfer providing Everton agree to clean out all the sweet wrappers and fag butts from his locker.

Speaking today, the club’s executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward said that both the management team and the board would allow Rooney’s transfer to be completed without any fee involved so long as the gesture of good will was carried out.

“We wouldn’t deny this is an unusual stipulation, but Wayne’s locker is unusually disgusting to look at and to be around. We have be mindful that another player will be taking his locker which, in its current state, is a truly nightmarish thought,” said Woodward this afternoon, adding that Rooney appears to have treated the storage space as some kind of mix between a bin, ashtray, toilet and fridge.

Woodward also stressed that while the demand may seem derisory, it was necessary given the “horrific” nature of Rooney’s locker.

“It’s quite extraordinary. We have found cigarettes butts, cigars, pint glasses, toilet roll, urinal cakes and, incredibly, several live animals. It simply must be sorted out and we expect Everton to carry it out.”

Woodward later went on to say that Everton should consider bringing a hazmat team with them after nuclear waste was found at the back of Rooney’s locker.