‪80% of football injuries originate from shaved infected pimples, study reveals‬

According to a new study released today, 80 per cent of all football injuries originate from infected pimples which have shaved.

The study was prompted by the revelation this week that Real Madrid star Marco Asensio missed out on his side’s Champions League game due to an infected spot on his leg.

However, despite the widespread derision aimed at the Spaniard, scientists at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota have discovered that almost all of football’s injuries are the result of spots brought about by hasty shaving.

“This is something we’ve been wanting to research for years and Asensio’s injury have us the perfect excuse to do so. Using analysis from thousands of injuries from the last five years we’ve been able to deduce that four out of every five football injuries begin as shaved infected pimples. Hamstring strains, shin splints, cruciate ligament injuries; these are all the result of poor hygienic routines,” said researchers at the US research centre.

“In some cases we delved back even further, and discovered that Dutch footballer Marco van Basten would likely have had a long career had he not shaved his legs with a rusty razor every day. In fact, the only injuries which appear to not be caused by this epidemic are bone breakages, but even with those we cannot rule out infected pimples entirely.”