Mike Ashley puts Newcastle United up for sale after running out of rooms in St. James’ Park to get pissed and vomit in

Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley put the Northeast club up for sale today after admitting that he has run out of rooms in St. James’ Park to get pissed and vomit in.

The billionaire Sports Direct founder, who has owned the Premier League side since 2007, is reportedly lining up a sale to an unnamed Chinese conglomerate.

The move, which was reported by the club’s official website today, was decided upon by Ashley earlier this summer, after a night of drinking with friends led him to a startling discovery.

“We were drinking, and I was wandering around the stadium looking for a room I’d never pissed in before. I couldn’t find one, and that shocked me. When you buy a club you have a set of ambitions; a list of things you want to achieve. It was a challenge, and I had to persevere every step of the way. But now, honestly, I just can’t think of any new places to get so drunk that I piss myself or get sick,” said Ashley today during a short break between rounds of baby Guinness and tequila.

“I have been proud to call myself the owner of Newcastle United, and to call St. James’ Park home. But after a decade in charge of this great club, and after a host of successes, I feel the time is now right to step aside, and allow new owners to come in and sully every square inch of carpet in this building.”

Ashley went on to say that, while he would like a swift sale of the club, any potential purchase would hinge on the condition that he be allowed to get drunk and sick in any of the stadium’s corporate boxes in perpetuity.