“Not if I kill him first,” says Jose Mourinho to internal monologue that he’s his own worst enemy

Saying that there’s not a chance he’d let “that bastard” get the better of him, Jose Mourinho has responded to his internal monologue’s warning that he is his own worst enemy by insisting that he will strike first.

“Not if I kill him first,” one section of Mourinho’s psyche was heard saying after his internal voice suggested that he would perhaps be best suited not to give into his own worst instincts, mere hours after Mourinho had criticised the Manchester United supporters for a failure to get behind certain players.

“Own worst enemy? Me?! Ha! He may know me, but what he doesn’t realise is that no one knows me better than me. He thinks he can sabotage my success by criticising the fans for something that never happened? Do I not realise how much they have taken to me? That they love him. Well if I don’t know now, he soon will,” Mourinho’s brain continued, as the manager contorted his face and held his hands in a fashion some sections of his mind described as “Machiavellian”.

“Who do I think I am? The nerve of this guy. The absolute nerve. He’s clearly underestimated who I’m dealing with. I can’t wait to see the look on my smug face when I’m done with him.”

At press time, security personnel had reportedly been called to the team’s dressing room after a vicious spat between Mourinho and himself became violent.