“Young traitors being loyal to their family is what’s wrong with football,” says Danny Murphy

Criticising them for their lack of patriotism and weakness, Danny Murphy today claimed that the main problem with modern football is “traitorous” youth players showing loyalty to their family.

Discussing the momentous World Cup victory of England’s under-17 team and their choice to celebrate with their family names facing forwards rather than the national team badge, Murphy angrily stated that their naive dedication to familial ties over “the one nation” would eventually be their downfall.

“Their celebrations worried me. These young men are representing their country but instead they turn their shirts around to show their family names. Where exactly do their loyalties lie? With the greatest nation on earth or to some people that they happen to be related to? It’s something worth looking into,” said Murphy, adding that such an overt display of national treachery deserves serious investigation and scrutiny.

“Should they be stripped of their citizenship? That’s not for me to say, but I just think something needs to be done. They don’t realise that family is an artificial construct. All that matters is the nation. It is our mother, our father, our siblings and yes, our lover. Its warm bosom is the only comfort we need. The nation is everything. And if they don’t realise that they won’t have a future in football.”

At press time, Murphy suggested that all England youth footballers undergo reeducation to teach the true value and greatness of their country, and show to them just how fickle and disloyal their families really are.