Expressing regret that things had gotten to this point but insisting that the money would be put to good use, West Ham today began dipping into Bobby Moore’s loot to fund their transfer activity.
Speaking to media today, manager David Moyes revealed that the former Hammers captain’s lifetime haul of stolen items – including chalices, watches, crowns, relics and actual currency – is simply too valuable to neglect using it to benefit the club.
“We are very lucky and thankful to Bobby that he has honoured the club with this great gift for future generations, even if it did take us months of drilling under the site of Upton Park to find it,” said the Scot, as he stood at the door of the purpose-built, maximum security, 90 metres x 110 metres storage facility for Moore’s kleptomaniacal collection.
“In an ideal world we would have enough financial clout to pay for transfer and wages with the club’s own revenue. But with this at our disposal we would be stupid not to use it. I actually don’t know how he had time to steal all of this. There’s literally billions of dollars worth of items here. He truly was one of the greatest footballers and thieves of all time.”
At press time, the ghost of Bobby Moore had reportedly sneaked up behind Moyes and taken a fiver from his back pocket.