Antonio Conte has tonight announced his intention to retire to an isolated cabin for the rest of his life effectively immediately in response to a comment made by rival Jose Mourinho tonight.
The comment in question, that Mourinho had never engaged in match fixing, was the latest chapter in a drawn out feud between the two which had seen Conte suggest that the Manchester United coach was suffering from senile dementia.
However, what had started out as light-hearted banter between the two quickly turned into a career ending embarrassment for Conte, after Mourinho’s comment left the Italian believing he had no choice but to abscond from public life for all eternity.
“This is it. It’s over. It was a good run and I enjoyed myself, but I cannot stay here any longer. There is no going back. His words will follow me wherever I go unless I leave forever, and that’s what I shall do,” said the former Juventus coach as he packed up a bindle ahead of his trip into an unidentified area of woodland.
“Sometimes when you take part in a banter you run this risk. He has, how you say, fucking bodied me. I am done. Goodbye forever.”