Everton are close to agreeing a deal to sign the vague concept of a good Theo Walcott with a move worth £20 million expected to be completed this week.
If finalised the transfer will bring an end to the idea of a capable Walcott’s 12-year stay at the Emirates Stadium, where he moved from Southampton at the age of 16.
According to sources with knowledge of the deal, the Saints were also interested in signing an imaginary Walcott who possesses the ability to compete in the Premier League, but a better financial offer and a significantly higher level of delusion is believed to have convinced Walcott that his future lies at Goodison Park.
“While Southampton were in the running, it now looks almost certain that Everton will be the club to sign the hypothetical notion of an extremely talented Walcott. Having watched him as a youngster, Sam Allardyce is very impressed at the trajectory his career could have taken if he’d pushed on after his hat-trick against Croatia all those years ago,” said an agent involved in the deal today.
“The coaching staff are also really delighted at the thought of just how many goals he’d score if he had reached his potential, so they’re all eager for him to get started. Considering how many other clubs had convinced themselves that Walcott could be a worthwhile signing, it really is a coup.”