“Alexis Sanchez has got to be the biggest mercenary in football,” says man who presumably played his entire career for free

Angrily dismissing the Chilean as a man motivated by greed, Martin Keown – a former footballer who presumably played his entire career for free – has cited Alexis Sanchez’ decision to move to Manchester United as proof that he is “the biggest mercenary in football”.

Writing in his likely pro-bono column in The Daily Mail last week, former Arsenal man Keown – a famously selfless individual who one can only assume has chosen to survive on little more than bread and water each day – hit out at the selfishness of Sanchez in choosing to earn slightly more money at Old Trafford than he would have at the Etihad Stadium.

“For Sanchez, this is clearly not about going to the best team. It has been all about the money,” said the ex-defender, who shunned the riches of professional football throughout his career, accepting little more than £100 per week while many of his teammates earned in excess of £70,000, and consistently rejected endorsement deals from sportswear brands in favour of playing in a pair of boots made by his mother years before.

“He has probably thought that he will not get a better offer if he waits until the summer, so he might as well take the best deal on offer now.”

At press time, Keown had reportedly taken a couple of hours off from his punditry work to label a family friend “the biggest mercenary in structural engineering” for leaving his previous firm for a higher paying job at a rival company.