Describing the crisis as the “worst it has been in decades”, environmental scientists in Geneva, Switzerland today issued a red alert and warned that 2017 saw record levels of plastic found in the stomach of Alan Brazil.
Speaking at an emergency press conference this afternoon, chairman Hoesung Lee of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) told global media that while it is not uncommon to find vast amounts of plastic in the stomach of the talkSPORT pundit, the quantities found last year were both unprecedented and cause for alarm.
“For years we have tracked the levels of various objects found inside Mr. Brazil as part of our ongoing work to ensure that our environment remains conducive to a habitable planet. These objects have varied wildly, from live animals to garments, and from previously undiscovered minerals to the aforementioned plastic, and despite this they had always remained at what we believed to be manageable levels. But the results laid bare by last year’s studies prove just how serious this problem has become,” said IPCC vice-chair, Carmen Hierro, adding that while the warning could be wrongly interpreted as proof of the proliferation of plastic objects, it is in fact evidence of just how pervasive a threat the ex-Manchester United player has become to the global environment.
“It was never unusual to find toothpicks inside of Alan. We even discovered pieces of Lego and Duplo on occasion. Last year unfortunately took us into new territory with the discovery of entire plastic coolers, as well as straws and bottles of Coca-Cola. Through our research we’ve been able to deduce that Alan is seemingly swallowing everything he ingests whole, including both food and drink and whatever object it was previously contained in.
“It is as yet too early to tell how long these sort of conditions can continue. Alan has always shown an incredible ability to somehow not crumble under the pressure of his internal ecology, but whether it happens tomorrow or in 10,000 years, he will eventually cause environmental destruction the likes of which we’ve never seen before.”
At press time, the IPCC called on world leaders to increase national spending to protect from the effects of a possible leak from Brazil, or at the very least ensure the planet is partly inhabitable in the aftermath.