‪Increasing number of Arsenal fans turning to religion, study finds

An increasing number of Arsenal supporters have begun to turn to religion, according to the results of a brand new study released today.

The study, which was carried out by the British Association of Religious Activity, revealed that millions of fans of the Premier League club were now practicing religion on a day-to-day basis.

Rather than flocking to millennia-old belief systems however, the fresh influx of religious followers among Arsenal fans have instead begun to worship at the altar of BBC Sport journalist David Ornstein, as part of a new religion known as Ornsteinism.

“In recent months we have seen record numbers of Gunners fans turn their back on traditional religions such as Christianity, Islam and Judaism, as well as secularism, in favour of Ornsteinism,” said Dr. Rowan Dimbleby, adding that new devotees had listed a number of reasons for their sudden change in beliefs.

“When asked why they have chosen Ornsteinism over other religious teachings or indeed a life without religion, followers explained that it was the clarity of Ornstein’s verses that had won them over. Most notably, vast numbers of former Catholic practitioners welcomed the opportunity to worship a deity who is not only still alive, but one who is right 100 per cent of the time.

“This reasoning was echoed across a wide variety of converters, a large number of whom felt the time was right to reject traditional religions with promises of eternal glory for one which provides the answers immediately. Essentially, these new followers feel that they have been burned or lied to by their previous religions, and that in David Ornstein they finally have a prophet who sees and knows all.”

At press time, the study also revealed that while all of Ornstein’s new followers are simultaneously Arsenal fans, the vast majority are beginning to spend less and less time actually watching their football team, in favour of patiently watching the journalist’s Twitter feed in the hope that a new update will come along.